Confront the Unknown: Fear of Self

I had an incredibly surreal experience! In my journey of self-exploration, I decided to attend a breathwork ceremony. Breathwork, a practice centered around specific breathing techniques, aims to achieve particular goals. The one I joined was specifically geared towards emotional release. Its purpose was to unearth and address subconscious blockages stored within our bodies. Going into it, I knew exactly what to expect from the session and what its ultimate goal was.

The hour-long journey started with us closing our eyes and taking deep breaths. The room buzzed with people, each seeking an altered state of consciousness as we synchronized our breathing. As I immersed myself in the practice, minutes passed, and I reached a point where I let go, allowing my subconscious to take the lead. That’s when the vivid image of a demon with twisted horns emerged. Fear gripped me. It wasn’t a human figure or the devil—it was a dark demon taking a tangible form.

This was precisely why I was there. There was no backing away. I had a strong urge to confront the demon head-on. “Come to me,” I murmured, mustering the courage to face it, ready to take it on. It felt like I was gearing up for a battle with this tormentor. As I inched closer to the demon, my inner divine light, my “nefesh Elokis” as described in the Tanya, expanded within my chest. And in that confrontation, my divine light overpowered the demon.

In that moment, the dark demon hunched over and began shedding tears, and I stood victorious. However, as it cried, a realization hit me like a lightning bolt—it wasn’t anything external. This demon was nothing but a manifestation of my own self. It represented my animalistic side—the dark energy within me that bullies and undermines, making me feel unworthy and inadequate. It dawned on me: this is what we fear within ourselves. It’s the epitome of our internal battle. 

Self-Exploration In Fear of Self Through Ancient Wisdom

This breathwork session left a profound mark on me. It made me realize how every year, as we cycle through reading the unchanging Torah portions dedicated to the week, our experiences evolve, enriching our connection to the text.

Parsha Vayishlach resonates deeply with my breathwork journey. In this portion, Jacob wrestles with an unknown adversary, confronting and ultimately prevailing over this being until daybreak. As surreal asTorah passages seem, they parallel our own potential for such profound experiences. They offer a deeper significance and a gateway to uncovering the hidden messages within Torah. In the night Jacob confronted and triumphed over the angel, what truly unfolded? What lay behind Jacob’s victory over this dark energy?

Jacob’s Encounter: Wrestling With Our Inner Struggle 

Jacob was returning to the land of his father. He left that same land 14 years prior because his brother Esav wanted to kill him for stealing a blessing. After learning Esav was coming to meet him along with 400 men, he became terrified. Albeit Jacob prepared for this encounter in three ways: prayer, war preparation, and he send Esav gifts, he was still anxious of the unknown. The night before he would meet with Esav, fear was at its highest. It is here where we hear of the encounter. 

“ And Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn. When he saw that he could not prevail against him, he touched the socket of his hip, and the socket of Jacob’s hip became dislocated as he wrestled with him. And he (the angel) said, “Let me go, for dawn is breaking,” but he (Jacob) said, “I will not let you go unless you have blessed me.” 

This crucial Torah moment gave the Jewish people the name Israel, signifying one who “wrestles with God and men and prevails.” Despite feeling terrified and anxious, Jacob engaged in a tense wrestling match with the angel. This intense struggle symbolized an internal conflict within his identity. His fear towards this entity reflected a deeper fear of himself. The angel portrayed was him. It vividly depicted that the true battle resides within us. 

Jacob’s willingness to confront his fears and limitations sparked a transformative process. Before facing Esau, he recognized the necessity to wrestle with his own inner demons. Conquering his inner darkness would not only boost his confidence but also fortified him against any adversary. This struggle within and willingness to overcome paved the way for personal growth. His journey and the battle with himself didn’t just end there; its ripples would influence and shape future generations.

Confronting Fear Of Self: Personal Transformation

This inner struggle is universal to the human experience. We all face internal battles, doubts, fears and uncertainty. For some of us, we’ve had experiences place a shadow over life which add to the journey. Conflicts, abuses, and lack of safety in our homes can leave a person feeling less than. And even when traumatic experiences are void in our journey, we still face doubts of our greatness. 

The human struggle is discovering our inherent greatness. To embark on this journey, we must face our fear of self. Each of us harbors an inner demon that undermines our worth. It’s a consistent battle to combat it.  Allowing our divine light to outshine the darkness within is the work. This isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continual process demanding a lifetime of dedication—an investment in our own growth and well-being.

To confront the fear within, individuals must commit themselves to dedicate time to connect with their higher being. Embracing various modalities such as meditation, prayer, breathwork, and healing practices is crucial in awakening this higher consciousness. These practices help us recognize the divine essence within us. When we achieve this awareness, we unlock the ability to extend love not just to ourselves but to everyone around us.

To witness our divine light shine dispels the fear of the unknown; it instills a profound trust that all will unfold positively. Our divine light triumphs over the inner bully, surrounding it in love and a sense of security. For a world abundant in love, beauty, and kindness, our journey begins by confronting ourselves and nurturing this divine essence within.